Thursday, August 07, 2008

Breaking up is the hardest thing to do...

(Edward Hopper, 'A Room In New York')

When I was in high school, I developed an extremely strong and terrifying fear of marrying the wrong person. The movie "Cast Away" gave me such severe anxiety, I still shutter every time I even see a preview or reference. That being written, the picture above is the only way I could visualize my fear. Edward Hopper is one of my favorite artists and this print is one of my favorites despite what it represents to me. She is hopeful even though it is obvious he is clueless. I often feel so much like this women I am afraid I might become her. Well, that was until this past month.

My 10 months in Ecuador have made a considerable impact on me because within the first month I returned, I broke up with most of the things I used to enjoy. My first victim was magazines. We are through. I thought it would be a temporary break, but it is appearing more and more permanent every time I step into the grocery store and walk right by the glossy squares without a longing second glance. New books were also on my hit list. I have a library in my parent's basement I must attack before I go into Border's and add new titles to the "to read" pile. (Let's pretend I didn't go to the library this week to get a book to read I didn't have in the basement.) The next break up was with my fear of marrying the wrong person. I now believe I could never let that happen, especially after seeing Danny & Krista. I know myself better than to make such a serious mistake. I believe I will not become the woman in the painting, which is a huge relief because for more than 12 years, I was terrified I would. I also broke up with my airline, American. The award ticket I had for my flight to Detroit was horrendous. I don't mind waiting or flying on little planes, but really, Boston to NY to Detroit? Come on! Good-bye American. Luckily they were an easy one to drop. This might be a little too much info (and music to one's ears), but my opinion about underpants might have changed. No additional comments will be given. I am constantly flirting with the idea of breaking up with Miss Cupcake but cannot decide at the moment, and I have been trying to decide what to do about Mr. Brownie Sundae. I know I should end our "friendship" because it is six years of I don't know what and pretending for me, but I cannot seem to stop because he always seems to know just what to say to make me stay just a little bit longer to see if maybe he might change his mind. This situation has gone on far too long and I know it. But I still cannot get my heart to accept the difference between expectation and hope...

My ties to many ideas I once held have also been severed. My words will hardly do justice to any feelings I have regarding these said ideas, so I won't bother at the moment. I'm doing the best I can and for once, that is good enough.
Now if I could only find a job....

3 comments:

Ross Douglas said...

You should check out the Jack Vettriano painting "Dance me to the end of love."

cupcake said...

This is a beautiful painting :)

Ross Douglas said...

Quite a few of Vettriano's paintings are great. Dance me to the end of love is my personal favorite.