Saturday, February 02, 2008

Feeling kind of blue

I haven't written in awhile because I think I am depressed. I am not really sure what that is because I have never experienced it before so this is kind of what I imagine it would be like. I miss the happy Cupcake.

I am tired of getting sick. I am tired of having amoebas (again). I am tired of being scared of food and drinks. I'm tired of not being able to hear out of my left ear and of the headaches I keep getting. I'm tired of being poor. I had more money when I was in high school and just babysitting. I'm tired of the hole in my back molar that is getting bigger. I am tired of not being able to go to the doctor because the Ecuadorian government hasn't paid me in more than TWO MONTHS. I'm tired of having to go to the doctor in the first place. I'm tired of being fat because all I dare eat is chocolate, Doritos, and popcorn. I'm tired of having bad skin. I've never in my life had bad skin before and I have no idea what to do with bad skin. It freaks me out.

I'm tired of being freaking freezing because it won't stop raining. I hate the god damn rain. I'm tired of not being able to wash my clothes because it won't stop raining. I'm tired of everything being damp and of all the holes in my clothes because of the crappy water and the sun I haven't seen in weeks. I am tired of my wardrobe and the shitty umbrellas and pens that only last a few months. I am tired of the terrible notebooks and poor quality paper.

I'm tired of sleeping on a quarter inch "mattress" that sits on wooden slates, which is like sleeping directly on those wooden slates. I am tired of not being able to fall asleep and of not wanting to leave my house. I'm tired of not being able to do things or buy things and for waiting for my pay check, and I am really tired of fighting with our institution about striking and the money they owe us. I am tired of people speaking Spanish in English class and of being in a country "to help" when they don't even want us here.

I am tired of rice and chicken and of dumping gross hot milk down the drain in the morning. I'm tired of not having a good breakfast and of feeling dirty all the time. I am tired of the sucky shower and of not being able to join a dojo. I am tired of missing the people I love and not being able to talk to them. I'm tired of always getting ripped off and of being judged. I am tired of grouchy people and of my host sisters always fighting and whining. I am especially tired of being woken up at 6:30 a.m. on weekends and of eating dinner at 10 p.m. I'm tired of getting up at 5:30 a.m. and of studying Spanish but still sucking at it. I am tired of not being able to buy English books or magazines.

I am extremely tired of feeling like ping pong is being played in my gut and of people not writing me back. I'm tired of my phone never ringing and of needing a haircut but not being able to get one. I am tired of wearing gloves and two pairs of socks to bed. I am tired of not being hugged in months. I am tired of gross men saying stupid things to me and blowing kisses at me in the streets. I'm tired of people asking me why I don't have a boyfriend or why I am not married or what my religion is. I'm tired of paying $1 an hour for the internet and of not having my computer. I am tired of waiting and of not having a bathtub. I am tired of being alone and of bad beer and not having the things I am use to or not being able to do the things I used to do.

I'm tired of my feet being dirty and cold and of not being able to wear flip flops. I'm tired of having to watch my bag all the time and of having to be home by 9 p.m. and of always having to watch myself to avoid getting robbed. I'm tired of depressing people, crowded buses, and the word "siga". I hate my shitty pillow. I am tired of not making a difference and of people not caring. I am tired of the bullshit. Most of all, I am tired of Ecuador and of feeling this way.

I would like a real hug from someone who loves me. I would like clean clothes and pants without holes in them. I want new underwear. I would like clean vegetables and a long hot bath. I would like a massage and a nice workout at my dojo. I would like to be amoeba free and healthy. I would like to feel warm. I would like to sit in a bookstore with a hot apple cider and to peruse the new releases. I would like to volunteer somewhere I actually make a difference. I would like to drink gin & grapefruit juice, watch TV, and make dinner with my friends. I would like to drive around listening to music with the heat on full blast. I would like to drink some decent beer and to eat a blueberry muffin. I would like to open box 10598 and find good magazines to read. I would like to eat popcorn and drink good wine. I would like to talk on the phone any time I want.

Most of all, I want to feel like this year wasn't a waste.

months down, five more to go....


Ross Douglas said...

You have mail.

I've sent my comment to your email addy hun.

Shesabigstar said...

OMG I'm can come home you know! I miss you terribly and I don't like this at all. It's one thing to feel a little left of center because you're in a different atmosphere...but to feel like this time and hardship is a waste, well that's just not acceptable!

Can I mail you beer or is that against the law? And yes, that was a completely serious question.

Shesabigstar said...

OMG, I just had another could be home in time for March Madness!