Tuesday, August 07, 2007

It Was Just a Hug...

Last week was not a good week. Monday rolled by normally yet under a slight lid of trash can Oscarishness I sometimes cannot avoid for unapparent reasons. Then Tuesday brought in the storm that lasted most of the week. One negative event after another rolled over me until Thursday night. Circumstances and responsibilities led me to an indoor soccer game in which my former boyfriend was playing. The hour passed awkwardly as I tried to watch my friend play while avoiding watching him. Decidedly, this is a very difficult thing to do, especially when the two of them are on the same team. At the end of the game, I sat in the stands waiting for my friend with her little brother. I thought I could exit the arena without actually having to speak to him considering we seem to have avoided talking for nearly a year and three quarters. Of course this was wishful thinking because after the game he paraded right over to our spot in the bleachers, insisted on giving me a huge hug, and plopped down next to us where he proceeded to inquire about my upcoming journey and expressed some serious concerns about my safety. I was at a loss for what to do or say. The two of us only had a handful of non-couple encounters with only one being verbal. And the hug...If you could have seen me you might have died laughing because I just sat there looking at him. He hugged me while I put one arm around his back, gave a quick pat, and quickly removed my limb. The last time a male hugged me in a manner such as his on Thursday night was in December of 2005 when he hugged me for the last time as my boyfriend. Our conversation was brief yet friendly. He smiled at me, which just made me think, 'that is him'. I know you. Don't smile at me like that. Then he hugged me again and made me promise to send him postcards. We parted ways, and it was over just like that.

All night long I ruminated on the hug. I have no clear reason why yet I could not help but acknowledge it changed me. He has changed me in so many ways I often fight the urge to call to thank him; To tell him how much I owe him for making me realize a plethora of wonderful intimate details about myself I did not see before he came into my life. His departure has made me a better person because once he was gone, I was forced to take a profound look at who I was compared to who I wanted to be. Once again, he is unaware of the invisible mark he has left. His embrace near the stands of the soccer field made me realize I never again will settle for anything less. My precious time is reserved only for the genuine and worthy. The stark realization that I was wasting enormous amounts of energy and cerebral space on males who did not deserve it astounded me. What have I been thinking? What have I been doing? It needs to stop. He reminded me the potential for another amazing relationship is there if only I would clear a path. There was a time when I was some one's girl and he took great comfort and delight in having me in his life. Reciprocity exists.

Ernest contemplation felt as if a huge hammer hit me over the head, and once again I wanted to pick up the telephone to tell him thank you but refrained, as I knew I could never offer a proper explanation. Now that I remember what it is like to be hugged, I refuse to let hedonistic, arrogant, selfish pricks take up any of my time. The shamelessly incapable, immature, indifferent, and unworthy need not apply. This girl can dance by herself and is content waiting for the one who wants to dance beside her all night long.

7 comments:

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Shesabigstar said...

Everything happens for a reason...

cupcake said...

Precisely, so I can have dance parties by myself on Friday nights :)

"whoa I was dancing with myself, oh ooh..."

Married Jen/Single Jen said...

Wow. Your post was great. Just what I needed to read. Storms are raging through my life right now also and it's good to know I'm not the only one. I know the feeling of seeing that ex-b/f. I know it well. - SJ

Mommy D said...

Brilliant, love this.

cupcake said...

Thanks! I am glad you enjoyed it. Now if I could just take my own advice...

Ross Douglas said...

Followed the link from second birthday blog and found that my mother has commented...

OMG.