Friday, July 13, 2007

“And the award goes to..."

You might remember this incident, or maybe this one? How about the story here provided by Allie? Well, since we all love a good story, and he’s proved to make a fantastic story, Mr. Houdini has been nominated for the jackass of the year.

His performance last night sealed the nomination.

As usual on Thursday night, Amanda, Allie and I were enjoying a lovely meal at Allie’s when the topic of Mr. Houdini, which always provides great laughs, was mentioned. Honestly, I had not thought about him at all since I saw him walk into his house with another girl. I have had other things to do such as rendezvous with Harry and worrying about air pollution.

The triangle finished dinner then settled in to watch “Groomsmen”. Around 9:30, Mr. Houdini’s show began:

[Telephone lights up to reveal the little bright white envelope indicating a new text message was delivered.]

Miss Cupcake picks up her phone, with the assumption it was Mr. Brownie Sundae, with whom she had been messaging for a bit discussing the merits of Ron Weasley, and was shocked to see a telephone number she vaguely recalled as Mr. Houdini’s.

The message read:

Mr. Houdini: “Hi”

to which Miss Cupcake responded, “Hey.”

She busts out laughing to the girls, “Ah ladies, you’ll never believe who just sent me a message. He must have known we were talking about him.”

The girls, “SHUT UP!”

A few comments from the peanut gallery fly around the room, then we proceeded to watch the movie throughout which I received the following most spectacular lines of bullshit I have ever seen in my life. For your viewing pleasure, I present the show that won the award for JACKASS OF THE YEAR:

Mr. Houdini: “ ‘innocent friend who shall not be named’ wants a jager bomb? U?”

(Ladies and gentlemen this shows how well he knows me. I HATE jager. By the way, this is the first communication I’ve received since Memorial Day weekend when I stood him up.)

Miss Cupcake: “Not a fan of jager.”
MH: “What? A rendezvous at my place? Fan?"
MC: “You wish.”
MH: “Is that a no?”
MC: “It is and I’m busy.”
MH: “What’s his name?”
MC: “And hers?”
MH: “Stop playing hard to get. U want to come over and I want u to come over.”
MC: “I’m sure she can entertain you well enough.”
MH: “Alright. You’re wildest dreams will have to go unanswered for another
MC: “Oh please. What is she away for the weekend? Not cool 5 dimes.”

(“Not cool five dimes” is a phrase coined by the Lovely Miss Red, which we have turned into a daily phrase.)

[It’s 10:04, the scene fades to Miss Cupcake dropping her phone into her bag to enjoy the rest of her evening.]

At 5:00 a.m., Miss Cupcake awoke to get some juice. She noticed text messages and missed phone calls on the screen of her PDA.

At 11:58 p.m. Mr. Houdini sent: “Pick me up at local bar and we’ll call it even.”

Miss Cupcake dialed in to check her voice mail before responding to the text. It appears his audacity and ego had reached heights she did not believe were possible. Mr. Houdini’s last attempt to sway her included the words, “Alright, well played. If you want to come over, the door will be open. You know where my bedroom is.” Oh Really...Well you can imagine the reaction Miss Cupcake unleashed. Times like these make one wish she had an e-mail address, as not to waste any allotted messages on retaliating to the “dirt bag”.

Miss Cupcake answered with asperity,

“Fat chance. No where near even. Take a look outside your bedroom window. The apartment right there is Linz & Andrew’s. Last time I had dinner there, I saw you walk into your house with a girl. I’m not a moron, unlike some. I can assure you I don’t play these games. If you can’t call by day, you don’t get to play by night. And I never star as the mistress or the “friend”. Once again, your arrogance is astounding. You had your chance, you passed.” You are awful; Never ever call me again.

She would have written him nasty vicious names but none seem sufficient enough to express her utter disgust. GROSS. She also would have shared more of her thoughts on his behavior with him but didn't want to waste any more time or messages. Of course he had no retort.

And there you have it. I would now like to hand out the award of JACKASS OF THE YEAR to an ever so gracious Mr. Houdini.

Of course, the award is a sack of fire ants in your bed, which will be delivered shortly and rather easily considering your "open" door. (You might want to reconsider that.)

You can go away now Mr. Houdini.

Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for coming. I hope you enjoyed the show. I can't imagine we'll have any more appearances from him at "For the Love of Fireworks".

May you all have a wonderful day!


Shesabigstar said...

Well, you can't hand out that award now, because Allie & I already handed him that award months ago!! Glad to see you finally walking away...better late than never...I am proud of you!

P.S. It's all's fine.

cupcake said...

Oh worry not, I walked away the night I stood him up for his graduation party. Now I'm just using him for quality blog entertainment :)

Married Jen said...

Dude. Seriously??? He wrote all that stuff? I'm laughing on the inside but crying (just a little) on the inside. What a douche!

cupcake said...

I swear to god it's all verbatim without any editing. I don't believe in censorship.

Best part about all if it, he's going to be a lawyer...

:shakes head in shame:

Shesabigstar said...

...A lawyer that resembles a homeless man!

cupcake said...

OK only to be fair here, he might not be the best dresser, but he is attractive, as Allie can confirm, he has a cute face.

Allie said...

Correction...he has a law degree. As Vera said 'a law degree does not a lawyer make'!!