Monday, June 11, 2007

Burglar! Burglar!

Last Sunday night, I arrived home around 11:30 p.m. I brushed my teeth, washed my face, then crawled into bed because I was beyond exhausted. While I was listening to the rain and wind outside, I spotted a shadow walk in front of my window. I froze. The dark figure slowly walked past one window then back towards the other before stopping right in front of me and the lock. I watched for one solid minute until the figure moved towards me. I could hardly quiet my pounding heart so I could concentrate on the karate moves I could use to thwart the intruder. I jumped out of bed and ran upstairs, where I almost died because the landlord STILL had not cleaned up the %*^%$@* puddle in front of the steps. I raced into BigStar's room and woke her. I screamed in a whisper someone was trying to break into my bedroom. She jumped out of bed and sprinted to the kitchen window to see if she could spot someone lurking. I was convinced it was the shady neighbor who likes to watch us shower. I put my contacts in while BigStar grabbed a flash light, her cell phone, and a very large sharp knife. Despite its inappropriateness, I could not help but think it was times like these I desperately wished I had Lasik surgery. I vowed to call my optometrist first thing in the morning. BigStar handed me the flash light then nudged me forward. I asked why in the hell I had to go first, as she had the knife. She told me I knew karate and she didn't. I grabbed the flash light and quietly headed down the stairs. We listened for noises but didn't hear any so we turned the corner to head into my bedroom. She and I crawled behind the bed to watch the window. All of a sudden the figure appeared again. We both almost died. I ducked onto the floor, as Erin gripped her knife and proclaimed she was about to have a heart attack. We looked at each other then back at the window.

"Go look at him," she insisted.
"What!?! Are you nuts, you go, you have the knife." I retorted.
With a very stern look, she said, "just go peek out the shade to see who it is."

You've got to be freaking kidding me. I looked at her then back at the figure standing outside my window. I thought for sure I was going to pass out but instead slowly ventured towards the figure. I moved to the side of the window and very deliberately moved one little blind so I could take a look. I held my breath and peered into the darkness. Of course I could not see anything so I lifted another blind and moved closer to the window. I could see a very bright light from the house a quarter mile from ours. Then all at once, I saw it... a large branch dancing in the flood light. It moved up, down, across, and back before coming to rest somewhere in the middle. I pulled up the rest of the blinds just to be sure. There was nothing there. We both fell onto the bed full of relief and adrenaline.



While this might be humorous to you, dear readers, there is no way you could have convinced me it was not a person before I pulled up that shade.

6 comments:

Allie said...

I can't even explain how much I love that picture of BigStar and the knife. Hi-larious. I think I almost peed when you told me this story!

Shesabigstar said...

***Disclaimer - This photo was taken after midnight, upon being woken from a deep sleep and put through an immediate heart attack.

This is not, by any means, a great photo, however given the circumstances, I hope you all can understand!

And yes, pretty sure I died a little bit that night.

Ross Douglas said...

Holy Shamoly!
Couldn't you find a bigger knife? You know, something along the lines of a machette...

(And as a small sidenote... Someone has the same phone as I do, except mine is black.)

cupcake said...

HAHAHHA The thought of BigStar with a machete makes me laugh so hard I might pee my pants. Oh my gosh!!!! That is the funniest idea I've heard in sooo long. hahaha.

Ross Douglas said...

Cupcake,
If the thought of bigstar with a machete makes you laugh try imagining her charging at a burglar with a look of hatred in her eyes. (Little blonde girl flying at someone with a knife that's bigger than her leg is, struggling to stop it scraping on the ground, heaving it over her head to go for the killing stroke only to fall over backwards.)
I dunno about you but that's got me laughing like a five year old on helium.

Ross Douglas said...

(whispers)
P.S
Bigstar is kinda cute.