This past week, an all out war has been ravaging the playground of my soul. I have my heart perched on one side and my mind brooding across the valley. Both, with the valor of Roman Gods, are proud and determined to win. Frankly, they scare me a little. Sometime last Sunday, they charged each other and have been going at it with a vengeance ever since. Meanwhile, I've resigned myself to watch and wait to see which tattered being emerges from the massacre victoriously.
I know I have to say no because he cannot. I know finally, I have to let him go, otherwise, we'll be playing this game until the very end where I foresee myself coming out broken and hurt because I do not believe he'll ever be able to give me what I want (or at least he hasn't proven otherwise, and "I don't know" is not good enough anymore). The ironic thing is, I knew this the day I met him. I knew he'd be trouble when he whipped out his cell phone to dial Minella's. I just sat there looking at him. I could not help but think over and over again, "I'm in trouble." Almost five years later, I'm still thinking the same thing. However, during this time I've learned one very important thing: He is who he is and not who I want him to be. Unfortunately, my heart and mind have different opinions, therefore, the war rages. For the first time ever, enough is enough, and I've got the rocking chair in front of my fort instead of his.
While a few of you know this very private part of my life about which I do not like to share publicly because it's too intimate and personal for the world, I felt the need to make the battle known with the thought that if I put it out there, out in the cosmos somewhere, I could see a resolution, maybe find a little peace, or at the very least, walk away from this unfair mess. For too long I've teetered between a strong boycott and a floppy doormat. I cannot do this any longer. I'm hoping a year on a different continent will help me rescue myself from the war and from Mr. Brownie Sundae. I know he does not mean to intentionally hurt me (and I do love him dearly), but as long as there is the Internet or a phone, it's difficult for me to ignore this unrequited situation for long. One of us always comes back. It cannot be the case any longer. I'd like to take the unrequited and hopeless out of love (oh and I'm ignoring all the outward signs from the world or at least I chose to believe they are just coincidences). A change is imperative for my well-being.
I'm not so much sad as I am exhausted. I just pray the battle does not last long...