Monday, March 12, 2007

SATURDAY, MARCH 3, 2007: LO'S BDAY BASH

Please excuse my going back to write about two weekends ago, but I felt the need to share to paint a better picture of how awesome my life has become this month (if the sarcasm hit you in the face, I'm sorry.) Oh and I feel like my posts last week were a little disappointing, and I cannot have 'the people' disappointed.

Kelley, Allie , Laurie, and I decided to celebrate Laurie's birthday with a night out on the town. (Despite the fact that I had almost died twice that day between "The Plague" and my Blue Belt test, I could not miss a birthday bash.) We had delicious and nutritious Thai food at my favorite little place downtown. I can never remember the name of the place but it's the little red building with very inexpensive yet awesome food. That one over there....

For dessert, I decided a girl needs options so I took the ladies to the dessert corner at the new Whole Foods. After wandering the chocolate bar and bakery, we wiped the drool from our faces and settled on four little cakes to give ourselves a variety and because we felt like being fatties. Lo deserved it! (If I happen to go bankrupt this year, I am wholeheartedly blaming the new Whole Foods for my financial decline. DAMN YOU PEOPLE!) We took our luscious goods back to the Hilton, rounded up a candle, whispered happy birthday because Lo insisted we could not sing to her, then happily began drinking. We primped for a half hour as we discussed very important matters such as microscopic maggots on mascara brushes, CH, how awful it is John Mayer is dating Jessica Simpson, and anal sex. Around 10:3o, we ventured out and about.

The first bar we stopped at was so hot and crowded we spent a total of ninety seconds there before heading to the classy dancing establishment known as "The OPT". As Laurie said, "We could meet our sleaze quota for the month." We entered the building at a great time, as the bar had not filled up yet and the music was exceptionally good. This is important because in order to secure a chair on which to hang your coats, you need to get there at a reasonable time, otherwise, you have to hold your bulky jackets while dancing. This is not sexy and quite annoying. Immediately upon walking on the dance floor, we meet our sleaze quota. Allie turned to me and dared me to go over to this girl (pointing in girl's direction) and ask her "How much?" I took one look at the hooker and just about threw up. I declined her dare for fear of catching a disease if I stood within ten feet of the hooker. She and another girl were dancing very sexually with each other while the boyfriend of one watched. No joke, the girl was a prostitute (or a porn star). We tried not to stare, but as Lo said, "I can't stop staring. It's like a bad train wreck." Indeed it was. At one point, the girls started making out with each other and the hooker so gracefully shoved her hand down her skirt and began touching herself. I looked around for the camera crew but didn't see one. I was almost certain they were shooting a porn. All I can say is Classy. Eventually the three of them left, but not before we had the chance to find another couple to entertain us.

A seven foot man and a five foot woman were dancing so close to our square they kept hitting Laurie in the back every time one of them moved. For some reason, I'm guessing because of the drugs they took in the bathroom, he felt the need to lean on his girl. Now, maybe I'm wrong but it just seems like that might not be a cool way to dance or a comfortable way to move. Picture big seven foot man leaning on little five foot girl. Do you see his ass grinding with Lo's? Cause we did. I tried to get her to palm heel him in the kidneys because he would have stopped dancing with his ass immediately, but she refused to impart such traumatic pain on him. Eventually they left too, but not before the threesome returned. For fear of catching crabs or hepatitis, we moved to another section of the dance floor. This is when the temperature reached sauna levels and balding argyle sweater man appeared. He walked by Lo, smiled at our group, then grabbed my ass. I am not sure when it became ok for men to grab my ass, but I HATE it, and the frequency at which it happens when I'm out and about alarms me. I almost turned around to smack him with a knife hand to the throat when Laurie busted out laughing. Turns out, she grabbed his ass, turned to look at him, winked and pointed to me. Nice. It's a good thing it was her birthday. Balding argyle sweater man remained next to our group for a bit until we decided the music was no longer good and our chances of catching an STD were becoming alarmingly higher with each passing moment. We grabbed our jackets and headed for the door but not before BASM could grab my hand in an attempt to get my attention. I'm sure he was going for my butt but I just politely told him he had the wrong girl. We stumbled into the fresh air and made it back to the hotel without punishing our bodies with the god awful Bill's pizza that is only good when you're exceptionally intoxicated or cannot use your taste buds.

Luckily, this time Allie did not give out our room number to strangers.

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