Tuesday, December 12, 2006

The Family Christmas Party...

I had all I could do to roll out of bed on Sunday, however, I had a little help from my friend Bethy, who decided to call me promptly at 7:15 am for our daily conversation. It turns out she was on her way to get a Christmas tree with her family and thought I'd be gearing up for my family function as well. After a brief conversation with her, I crawled into my roommate's bed to sleep for a little while longer. It did not dawn on me until I actually woke up for the day that I was still fully dressed in the outfit from the day before. While I know I have wardrobe issues, I think they reached a new level at this point.

Around 11:30, I mustered up enough energy to face the "dysfunction junction." This is about the time I was informed I would be the only representative from Michael's family. Despite my constant disappointment, this is not an uncommon occurrence. However, my sister had a valid excuse, as she cut off half her thumb. For personal reasons, I'll refrain from commenting on the others. I trekked the 270 miles north to my Aunt's house on a mountain IN THE MIDDLE OF NO WHERE to bask in the niceties of my extended family by myself. I was praying the whole way that my aunt would not produce another concoction.

I should have known how the night was going to turn out by the incident I had on the highway on the way to the party. I was happily singing, dancing, and minding my own business when I looked over to the car on the right only to find three high school boys waving frantically at me while holding up their cell phones. I started laughing hysterically. They followed me for ten miles, speeding up & slowing down, flashing their telephone numbers on paper napkins in the windows. By this point, I was beside myself with embarrassment. I did not want to encourage them in anyway no matter how much I wanted to shout for them to leave me alone. I think I'm going to write a letter to the governor sighting this as an example of why he needs to do something to help provide adolescence in this state with something to do...

I finally arrived at the festivities just in time to receive the heartwarming standard greeting from my favorite Uncle. Formalities do not exist in my family. Nothing is inappropriate and nothing is unacceptable. I cannot convey enough how wrong or utterly mortifying this is. I will however, provide you with an example. The third question in the greeting is always the same:

"So, do you have a boyfriend?"

If the answer is yes, my answer to him is contingent upon who is standing nearby. This time I did not have worry, as my answer did not require stealth. I replied no and then continued on to the food. Of course he followed to inquire further. He wanted to know if I had met someone at least. Because I was out of the earshot (63 miles to be exact) of my immediate family, I decided to answer honestly.

"Well, I did meet this seemingly cool, interesting, and very attractive boy who is a friend of a friend. But the jury is still out, so I'll keep you posted."


He smiled and inquired more. "So tell me about him..."

Oh dear, now that I'm here what is the harm in providing small details? "Uh, well, he's from around here, went to college in my hometown, played basketball there. He's funny, nice, smart - he's just finishing law school..."

My uncle interjects, "he played basketball? Is he tall?"

I answer, "he's 6'7". Why?"

My uncle shrieks, "God, now tell me something," hitting my other uncle who turns around, "why is it that these tall men go for the short girls? How does that work? Seriously, what, do you come up to his nipples? I can't imagine what happens in bed, you guys are going at it and he looks down at you all the way down there," providing a demonstration to my other uncle, "Hey baby, how are you doing down there?"

Some one from the other room yells, "Well, at least you're the right height for blow jobs."


"Uncle Paul, I just met him. There is NO 'When you're in bed.' Do you think you could refrain from the visuals?" I could not even bring myself to respond to my NANA. I do believe my color reached a new shade of red at this point.

He laughed hysterically, yet recalled, "Well, wasn't there another tall one?" while continuing to demonstrate on my other uncle.

What is this? Boot camp for humiliation? My great grandmother rescued me by taking me into the other room where I was more than happy to indulge in horribly boring old lady conversation. We chatted about her 83rd birthday and how she's the coolest woman alive. I have to admit, she has more moxie than anyone I know. However, it didn't take long for this conversation to take a turn for the worse. Paul made his entrance into the living room by asking, "Grammy, what do you know about sex? Seriously, you're a little old..." Wherein she answered, "Oh please, all you have to do is lie down and spread your legs. Anyone can do that." Uhem, may I remind you, she's 83. While everyone else found this highly entertaining, I was about to die, yet again.

As the evening progressed, my other uncle asked me why I didn't bring people to our parties. I told him I felt the answer was self evident, which would be set in concrete after we opened our gifts. We gathered around the tree in front of the glistening pretty bags full of tremendously frightening things. I will spare you the details of last year's party presents. Much to my delight, I ended up with some candles and a snowman box thingy. My Uncle Paul and my third Uncle Wade received far more entertaining presents. The talking and dancing George W. Bush doll who sang a very bad song ended up on the floor strapped to the humping monkey doll. Yes, I am dead serious, and I'm quite certain there are pictures. (Of course my Aunt was the culprit behind these gifts). Both dolls were going at it on the living room floor while everyone laughed hysterically (oh, did I mention one of my uncles was shouting dirty phrases in French?). When I write "everyone", this included: my grandmother, my great grandmother, most of my aunts and uncles, and me. I desperately wish I was joking. I proclaimed that if there was any question as to why I do not bring people to these events, obviously this was the answer. I would be pressed to find anyone with sense of humor enough to withstand this crowd, as I barely can do it myself. (Really, I do love them.)

Luckily, the rest of the evening was calm and joyous. Once again, my aunt made wonderful food and dessert. Despite the embarrassing moments, the company was fairly entertaining and, despite appearances, I did enjoy seeing the family. All of this being said, I do not know if I want to attend the next family event...

After the party, I stopped at my parent's house on my way home. Both were eager for details of the evening they missed. Of course, living vicariously through me was much easier than experiencing the event for themselves. My rendition of the story was modified for fear of questions from my parents, plus, I did not want to provide demonstrations of my uncle. I figure what they don't know can't hurt them. After the debriefing, I headed straight to their bed to sit with the cat and to take a little nap. When I woke up, I ventured to the spot on the floor in front of my dad (usually reserved for the cat) and made him give me a back rub while I listened to my mom chatter. I could not help but think how glad I was that at least they could pretend to be normal....

And you thought I didn't want to get out of bed because of the gin.

1 comment:

cupcake said...

This is kind of embarrassing. Maybe I shouldn't write about these things...